Sailors will survive the Zombie Apocalypse

With the advent of the Zombie Apocalypse Phone and my intent to purchase one, I realize that I need to have a plan of attack for when the zombies start taking over.

According to wikipedia and the tens of movies that I've seen, the problem is that zombies are going to multiply faster than our law enforcement and military agencies will be able to deal with this zombie population explosion. So you need a plan.

Some guys think that rope ladders and baseball bats will do the trick. Others have dogs. Still others are going to rely on chain saws and weed whackers. More still will just die an ugly and gruesome death. Probably lots of that.

Just as I'm always on the lookout for the first signs of the plague (dead squirrels), I've decided to also look out for the first signs of the Zombie Apocalypse. It will probably be gradual but a deteriorating sense of personal hygiene, general sluggishness, and appetite for brain among the masses should clue you in.

Once I see that stuff, my plan goes into effect. I'm freakin' going sailing. See, Zombies can't sail. It's not like gremlins where you can't get them wet because they get nasty and mean and strong and homicidal. Zombies are always like that. But I'm pretty sure they're going to melt or die or sink if they try to go after you on the water. And, believe me, zombies are NOT able to sail a boat.

So, just hop in your boat, sail offshore a little way, heave to and wait for the zombies to exhaust their food supply. Then, return home as the conquering hero to a much less populated land.

In a way, Reid Stowe laid out the blueprint for all of us. Make sure you have a ton of cheese, mung beans and a sewing machine to repair your sails. Get out there, catch fish (this assumes no zombie fish), and use your solar panels to power your watermaker. Voila, Zombie Apocalypse Survival.

How we survived the Pacific Cup

Everyone knows there are a lot of dangers out on the open ocean: whales, pirates, container ships, airborne aquatic simians, rogue waves and bad helmsmen who crash sailboats in less than 30 knots of wind are the most common. But there are more and VALIS, in her duties as communications boat, was subjected to possibly the worst of them all. IQ leak.

See, the modern sailboat is awash in electronics and their associated wave outputs. Single side band, AIS, iPods, VHF, 406 MHz EPIRBs, that annoying squeal from the freezer compressor, tricolor nav lights and Hawaiian music. All of these contribute to rapid gray matter brain deterioration according to a study I might have read in The New England Journal of Medicine.

And, we had the frickin' beehive of electronics going all the time. Well, except for the autopilot, that would have wasted electrons! So, our fearless captain, devised a sort of brain matter faraday cage that kept him safe during those long hours taking positions and keeping boats entertained on the SSB.



Don't know for sure if it worked, I'll give him a basic IQ test next time I see him to find out if he's still a supergenius. With a hat like that, he sure looks like it.