07 September 2010

Sailors will survive the Zombie Apocalypse

With the advent of the Zombie Apocalypse Phone and my intent to purchase one, I realize that I need to have a plan of attack for when the zombies start taking over.

According to wikipedia and the tens of movies that I've seen, the problem is that zombies are going to multiply faster than our law enforcement and military agencies will be able to deal with this zombie population explosion. So you need a plan.

Some guys think that rope ladders and baseball bats will do the trick. Others have dogs. Still others are going to rely on chain saws and weed whackers. More still will just die an ugly and gruesome death. Probably lots of that.

Just as I'm always on the lookout for the first signs of the plague (dead squirrels), I've decided to also look out for the first signs of the Zombie Apocalypse. It will probably be gradual but a deteriorating sense of personal hygiene, general sluggishness, and appetite for brain among the masses should clue you in.

Once I see that stuff, my plan goes into effect. I'm freakin' going sailing. See, Zombies can't sail. It's not like gremlins where you can't get them wet because they get nasty and mean and strong and homicidal. Zombies are always like that. But I'm pretty sure they're going to melt or die or sink if they try to go after you on the water. And, believe me, zombies are NOT able to sail a boat.

So, just hop in your boat, sail offshore a little way, heave to and wait for the zombies to exhaust their food supply. Then, return home as the conquering hero to a much less populated land.

In a way, Reid Stowe laid out the blueprint for all of us. Make sure you have a ton of cheese, mung beans and a sewing machine to repair your sails. Get out there, catch fish (this assumes no zombie fish), and use your solar panels to power your watermaker. Voila, Zombie Apocalypse Survival.

8 comments:

O Docker said...

Actually, I'm pretty sure zombies can sail downwind OK. Anyone can sail downwind.

They just can't point worth a damn.

Paul said...

Zombies can be aquatic too. I know this because one of the first zombie movies "ZOMBIE" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080057/) includes a scene with an underwater zombie fighting a shark. This scene also includes a pretty girl scuba diving while wearing a minimum of clothing, so the film is definitely worth watching for "research" purposes.

Smilicus said...

I am sure the furry gremlins multiply will be least of your problems in Zombie Apocalypse - just dont feed the gremlins after 12pm and they will stay cute and fuzzy

What boat Zombie Sharks???

JP said...

Or you could go to the pub.... it *almost* worked in Shaun of the Dead

Zen said...

WOw!amazing. Hmmm I think the last Zombie movie I saw had a water attack, but the guy in the boat did get away...

Joe said...

Have you ever been to the St. Francis Yacht Club? Full of zombies!

Thanks for the idea of an emergency phone. I think I'll buy one too.

Christy ~ Central Air said...

Zombies probably can sail downwind, O Docker, but I doubt they would be lucid enough to notice that small flicker of the mainsail that signals that an accidental gybe is imminent. Ouch. :-\

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